


Rely on me

by moepchenswelt



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Hogwarts Eighth Year, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Platonic Relationships, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-02-24
Packaged: 2019-11-05 01:24:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17909369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moepchenswelt/pseuds/moepchenswelt
Summary: Hermione is back for her eighth year at Hogwarts and is experiencing some really hard breakdowns due to her experiences during and after the war.  She's hopeless and wants to give up until someone sees her suffering and helps her towards healing.





	Rely on me

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, this is my first fanfiction, so please be kind to me ;).  
> I shortly mention rape and physical abuse and the feelings which stick to them, so please be careful and decide, if you can read it.

I'm standing by the window in our common room, letting my gaze wander over the grounds of Hogwarts. It's dark outside, and no sounds except for some silent hoots from the owlery are audible. Some people are afraid of the night, but not me. Nights are soothing to me, and when everything is dark and silent, I'm calming down.

But not since the war, and our hunt after the horcruxes. In the last year I have seen and felt so much cruelty which has changed me forever. I'm pretending to everyone that everything's okay with me, but it's not. We all made our experiences and losses in the war, so I can not rely myself on someone and be even more of a burden to them.

I know I should go to bed again, because tomorrow are classes, but the anxiety prevents me from doing that. To be honest, I am not keen to go to bed, because of the nightmares which chase me in my sleep. There's no night where I'm safe from them, and during the days, the flashbacks do the rest and torture me. It's an endless circle with the only result being that I'm getting still weaker every day.

The thought of being dead crosses my mind again, but I'm used to it. Since a few weeks now, suicidal thoughts are my daily companions and they are getting more and more my inner wish, and there's nothing I could do against it. It's like a fire-gone-wild inside me, which burns every single part of me piece by piece to ash, until I'm gone. When the fire had begun, I had still the strength to fight against it, but now it burned my determination and my will to live. What is left is a wrecked woman with no clue that life can be happy and fun again someday, because the darkness around her has swallowed her.

*

“What are you doing here, Ms Granger?” , sounds a well known voice behind me. For only one second I close my eyes before turning to it. “I...I couldn't sleep and needed some fresh air. I know I should be in bed, Professor McGonagall.”

My voice is not more than a whisper, but I can't help it, my thoughts from earlier are now even more present in my mind: 'Don't tell her, don't be a burden to her.'

I try to keep my gaze down and turn my face away so she can't see the tears I've cried. I hear her footsteps coming towards me and soon she will be near enough to see my face. I know it's childish to think that she will go away, especially when I turn so obviously my face away from her, but maybe and hopefully she will.

A part of me wants to notice her so badly that something's wrong with me and that she would help me and care about me, but the other part tells me that I'm not worthy of it.

Deep inside I know that I can not handle it on my own anymore, that it's to much for me.

“Hermione, what's wrong with you? What happened?”, she asks gently and carefully takes my hand in hers. “I see that you've cried, and I've noticed since you've been back at Hogwarts, that something is wrong with you. I will always be there for you if you need anyone to talk. I care about you, Hermione, and it makes me sad seeing you struggling so much with yourself.”

During her speech I try to calm myself down, but at her last words I burst into tears.

“It's nothing”, I try to mumble, but I couldn't speak to the end, because I start sobbing and crying again.

Without words, she embraces me and starts to move her hand up and down my back to sooth me. I can't remember the last time when I felt so safe and cared for, and this gesture of being there for me takes all my walls, which I built up to manage my daily life, down. Even more crying and sobbing escape my mouth and my legs are not even capable anymore to carry me. My knees crush down and exactly in this moment, I feel that Professor McGonagall carries me onto something soft. Unable to open my eyes, I trust her that she'll hold me, because except crying, nothing is possible for me.

Through my shut eyes, I see all the memories rushing through my head, all the things I tried so hard in the last weeks to ignore. The memories crush down on me, and I'm forced to experience all the pain and trauma again, all the cruelty of what they've done to me, unable to stop the pictures and pain. Through my flashbacks I hear a soft voice mumbling to me, “It's okay. I hold you and protect you.” I hear my own screams, but cannot stop them. For me the present is not there, all my thoughts, senses and feelings are back in the time during the war and I'm stuck in the past. I can't remember when it stopped, but slowly but surely my personal nightmare goes away, and I'm beginning to come back to myself and the present again. My breath is going heavily and tears are running down my face. I try to focus on calming myself down and I open my eyes. With a short look I'm seeing that I'm in Professor McGonagall's office, but I can't remember how I ended up here. Maybe only half an hour has passed, but it feels like the whole evening before was days ago.

“How are you feeling, Hermione?". Scared from this sudden voice, I jolt and notice that Professor McGonagall is holding me in her arms. Rapidly I try to sit up again and begin to bring some distance between me and her.

“I'm so sorry for this, Professor...”, I try to say, but she interrupts me.

“It's all okay Hermione, there's nothing for you to be sorry about. So how are you feeling?”, she repeats her question from just now.

I'm feeling like her emerald eyes can look into my soul.

“I'm okay now... at least I think so.”, I say.

“Does this happen to you often?”, she asked kindly.

I turn my gaze down and nod shyly. “Yes, but I can deal with it. It's really okay, you have enough things to deal with yourself and the school. I can handle it...”.

“Look at me, Hermione. I know that you are an unbelievably strong and brave woman, but at some point, everyone reaches a point where they can't deal with something all by themselves. You are not weak or anything else. I can't imagine what happened to you during the war and your horcrux search, but I see that you suffer from something dark. It's okay to tell someone about it, you don't have to suffer and deal with everything on your own. I know how hard it can be to talk to someone about such painful things, but I know too that without talking about it, your wounds can not start to heal. It's not shameful to say that you can't deal with it yourself, instead it's even stronger and braver to ask someone for help. You are allowed to do that, and I can only speak for myself, but you will be no burden to me. I am here for you, Hermione, I will be always here for you when you want to talk to me when you're ready.I don't want to push you into talking, but I would like you to think carefully about my offer and maybe come back to me. My doors will be always open for you.”

With tears in my eyes I look at my former professor and nod thankfully.

“Shall I guide you back to your room?”, Minerva McGonagall asks me .

“I would be thankful for it, Professor. I'm not sure if I can make it without your help...”

I slowly stand up and tumble on my feet. I'm feeling so exhausted from the flashbacks and my breakdown. I'm so thankful that Professor McGonagall is going to guide me to my room, especially because I am really not sure if otherwise I would make it. I feel her hand on my back as she guides me through her office door into the hallway.

In silence, we walk to the Gryffindor common room and as we reach the door, we stand silently next to each other.

“Thank you, Professor”, I say, and try to head off to my room, but she holds me back.

“Please think about my offer, Hermione. Good Night”, she says gently, nods into my direction and walks away.

“I will, I promise”. It was only a whisper, not even meant for Professor McGonagall to hear. It was much more for myself and deep inside of me, I feel a spark, like a little flame of hope, that maybe there could be an end of this nightmare.

*

I found barely any sleep this night, because the offer of my favorite Professor kept me from sleeping. Also, now I'm thinking about telling her my story, but there is so much fear inside me that I can even barely breath. I'm so scared of telling anyone, but I know somehow, it would help me to cope with it.

'What if she doesn't believe me ? What if she judges me after that? What if she thinks that all of what happened is my fault?', these are only some of the thoughts which go through my mind. I could not handle it, if she would say or believe something like that. And, although she said that I wouldn't be a burden, I don't like the thought of doing and telling her that.

Thinking about that, a little voice deep inside of me replies that I should risk and do it. I know that my soul screams for being heard and cared for. Furthermore, I know that I am so ready to tell someone, because always hiding this as a secret destroys myself. I can't exactly describe the feeling of the need to tell anyone, but it's like a pressure on my body which I need to get rid of to finally be free again.

*

I don't know how I got through this day, I can't remember anything from the classes I had, but that doesn't count for me now. The whole day I was thinking about it over and over again, and I think I came to a conclusion: I will try and talk to Professor McGonagall! Even though this decision was hard, now I feel a little bit better. It's like a little piece fell of my shoulders.

Before I will change my mind, I stand up and walk my way to the headmistress office to ask her for an appointment. Slowly I reach my destination, but I can't overcome my fear to ask her or even knock on the door. I stand in front of her door, fearful like a little child, and debate with myself about knocking the door or turn around and run away without even trying.

'Hermione,' I talk to myself,' she offered you to come to talk to her. Let's go, do it! You..'. Before I can finish my sentence in my head, I hear footsteps behind me.

“Hello Hermione. Are you waiting for me? Can I help you?”.

I turn around and see Professor McGonagall coming towards me. Now without any time to prepare my question or even prepare myself a little bit more for talking to her, I stand face to face with her. Due to the surprise of seeing her here in the hallway, I actually forget that she asked me a question. She looks at me patiently while waiting for my answer.

“I ... “,I start talking, but within a second I stop again. For a moment I close my eyes, breathe deeply and begin again: “Yes, I wanted to ask you something. I thought about our conversation yesterday, or actually this night, and I think I want to try and talk to you, if that's okay. I think I'm ready for it and have kept it long enough a secret. So do you have time for talking someday in the future or maybe this weekend?”. I open my eyes again and look shyly towards her.

“I'm very happy that you decided to talk to me, Hermione, and I'm even more flattered that you trust me so much for that. Tomorrow, I'm going to leave the school due to school business for the weekend, but I would have time now, if you like. I know maybe it appears to you a bit sudden, but maybe we could go inside and sit down for a cup of tea and you can decide during or afterwards if you want to give it a try§, she says kindly.

For a short moment I think about her offer, because this evening turned out so rushed, but why not talking to her now?

It doesn't matter when it will be. I will always be scared of doing it, so I give myself a little push and nod. “Yes, that's okay for me. Thank you very much Professor”.

*

Together we enter her office, and she guides me to a door in the back of it, which appears to be a little room, maybe like a living room. There are two sofas and one armchair with a little table between them in the middle of the room. The walls are all covered with bookshelves from floor to ceiling, except one window with the view over the grounds of Hogwarts on the left. I walk into the middle of the room and look reverently to the bookshelves. I feel a little bit of joy in my chest at seeing this many books. Some of them are so obviously magical, but I actually recognize some muggel books there too.

“This collection is really impressive, don't you think?”, Professor McGonagall asks.

For a moment I completely forgot that she's even there, so I turn my gaze back to her and nod.

“Are these your books?', I ask with interest.

“Some of them. But most of them are the books of Albus. After his death, his testament said that he devises his books to Hogwarts. So they went to my belongings, as I'm the headmistress now. So please sit down where you want”.

After one last look, I take a seat in one of the really comfortable looking sofas. With a flick of her wand, Professor McGonagall lets a tea pot and two cups appear, which she places on the table next to us.

For a few minutes we sit there in silence and I appreciate that she let's me take the time I need.

“I don't know how much you know what happened to Ron, Harry and me during our horcrux search exactly”, I begin talking, taking all my courage for the big step towards healing, “but soon after we found the blade of Gryffindor and destroyed the medallion of Slytherin, we got caught by some snatchers. As they recognized us, they brought us to Malfoy Manor.” Just by saying this out loud, I feel the tension rising in my body. “Bellatrix Lestrange picked me for torturing because I'm a mudblood. She wanted an answer from us as to why we had the blade in our possession when they grabbed us. She cursed me with Crucio several times...”, on these last words my voice breaks.

Tears start to run down my face and through my inner eye, I see the memories as they come back and crash down on me. I feel the pain again and I hear the screams of Bellatrix in my ears.

“She wanted to break me, and she didn't care if I would die during that. She cursed me over and over, and my body was only pain. It felt like there was fire running through my veins and many knives or blades pierced into it. I thought this would never end and couldn't imagine how I would get out of there.” I take some breaths to calm myself, but it doesn't work.

“This is the first memory which haunts me every day and night. The other ones are placed after the battle of Hogwarts. I don't think whether you know that I obliviate the memories of my parents so that they'll be safe. After the battle I tried to find them and reverse the spell, but I was too late. Some death eaters must have found them and burned the house in which they lived in Australia. I found out that they were in the house and died due to the fire. I didn't stay long after finding that out, and soon I came back to England”.

I stop my speech and take a moment to myself, being so grateful that she lets me take the time that I need.

“I was so sad and desperate and didn't look around as I went through Diagon Alley one evening. I went down a side street, as a door next to me was opened and I was caught and dragged inside. I can't say and describe what happened exactly, but I found myself in a dark room with three death eaters, which haven't been caught to this time. They raped me several uncountable times, slapped me and choked me until they thought I was dead.”

The memories are so hurtful and bad that on my last words, I break down. I can't help myself, I only cry and scream in fear and pain. I don't even notice that Professor McGonagall comes to me and takes me in an embrace.

“I'm here for you, my dear. You are save!”, she whispers to me.

“In the beginning I wanted them to stop, but at some point, my only thought was 'I want to die'”, I cry. “They hurt me so badly!”.

*

I don't know how long we sat there, me crying and her holding me. Finally the memories subside and my tears run dry, and as they did, Professor McGonagall speaks for the first time since I started my story.

“Hermione, I can not even imagine what they've done to you. I'm so sorry that you had to go through these horrible and horrific experiences and I can't say anything what would make it better for you. I'm so proud of you that you found the courage to talk to me! You are such a brave and strong woman. I'm really shocked about what happened to you and what you had to go through, I can barely even find words. I want to let you know, that you don't need to be ashamed of what happened to you. Furthermore, it wasn't your fault! You are not to blame for that. You are a victim, or much more a survivor. You are worthy of love and being cared for. Also, and now listen carefully, you can always come to me. I will always be there for you, Hemione”.

And with these words she strengthened our embrace even more.

*

I haven't felt save anywhere and with anybody since what happened, but now here in Professor McGonagalls office and here in her embrace, I finally feel save again!

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading it, and any comments or Kudos would make me very happy :)


End file.
